I’m sure you are all aware of the five stages of coming out. 1. Pre-coming out when you know something is different about your feelings but haven’t completely understood them. 2. Coming out when you acknowledge your feelings of homosexuality and decide to tell someone, this may or may not include your family and friends. 3. Exploration where you “check out” the homosexual world and have your first experience with exploring contact with members of your own sex. 4. First relationship kinda self-explanitory although sometimes this can be something that turns out not so positive, but a first experience in a hetrosexual relationship can be a bad one too. Secret is that if it turns out bad, don’t give up. 5. Integration this is a constant ongoing stage where you develop relationships, explore your feelings, become a part of the BGLT community, participate in the gay lifestyle.
But just as there are several stages to your coming out, those who you come out to have stages they go through, especially parents. Parents have the hardest time sometimes accepting their child is gay, I think they feel they did something wrong. There are several questions you must ask yourself before coming out to your parents. According to outproud.com they are as follows, and I quote:
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
Be Clear in Your Own Mind
- Are you sure about your sexual orientation? Don't raise the issue unless you're able to respond with confidence to the question "Are you sure?" Confusion on your part will increase your parents' confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment.
- Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality? If you're wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.
- Do you have support? In the event your parents' reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.
- Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality? Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.
- What's the emotional climate at home? If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they're not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery or the loss of a job.
- Can you be patient? Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years.
- What's your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.
- Do you have available resources? Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.
- Are you financially dependent on your parents? If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you.
- What is your general relationship with your parents? If you've gotten along well and have always known their love -- and shared your love for them in return -- chances are they'll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.
- What is their moral societal view? If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they've evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.
- Is this your decision? Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don't be pressured into it if you're not sure you'll be better off by doing so -- no matter what their response.
Parents go through several stages as well when being confronted with the knowledge that their child is gay. They are: 1. Shock- sometimes they expect ahead of time but are not quite sure and other times they have no idea, so the sudden confrontation with it will surprise them. Some will accept it right away and others will struggle with it. You just have to assure them that you love them and that you are the same person you were yesterday before they knew and that you will be the same person now. 2. Denial- it helps them cope with the sudden reality that their child is gay. This can also take many forms from “not my child” to “that’s nice dear” to “I don’t want to hear this” to even flat out rejection. Be patient, just like you didn’t discover you were gay overnight, they need time to accept it too. 3. Guilt- sometimes a parent will blame themselves and think they did something wrong and that caused you to be gay. You need to reassure them that it’s nothing they did or didn’t do. 4. Feelings expressed- be ready for these….they will range from anger to acceptance and all the moods inbetween. Sometimes these change as the news has time to sink in and they begin to realize you are still the same child they love, unfortunately just as often they only grow worse. 5. Making decisions- this is where they decide how they are going to deal with it, either accepting and being supportive or denying and fighting about it forever. This initial feeling can change with time, and parents who initially disown a child come to realize they are losing something wonderful and they begin to accept it. They may not completely accept the whole package but they will accept the child and love them despite not fully understanding or supporting them. 6. True acceptance- where they completely accept their child’s sexuality and wholeheartedly support them and openly acknowledge it. Some parents never reach this stage, but any progress in this direction should be praised.
Hopefully some of what I have said will be helpful to someone out there.
Until Next Week, Dear Ones, Love & Many Hugz! Leeza